Being Jessica's Mom: Growing up on the Autistic Spectrum

Jessica has had moments of what appeared to be friendships over the years, but since elementary school, this has been a life domain that she has struggled with.  Kindergarten friendships were easy because they were fostered by me as I became friends with parents and arranged playdates.  But Kindergarten was also where Jessica met her first bully.  Yes, a Kindergarten bully.  This bully was a little girl who would stand on the play structure and prevent Jessica from getting on the structure with the rest of her friends.  It was this incident that I had first witnessed.  I immediately went to the teacher and let her know what was happening on the playground.  The teacher had a “talk” with this child.  This bully would ride her bike into Jessica’s bike, trying to run her off of the track that the rest of her friends were riding on.  The talk did not change anything.  I talked to the bully’s mother and her response was that Jessica needed to learn to “hit her back” if she wanted her child to stop…ummm…no.  The final straw was during a holiday party, the class was all in a circle singing and holding hands and this bully came to Jessica, stood in front of her and backed into her until Jessica had to let go of her friend’s hands and this bully stood in her place.  Thankfully my girlfriend witnessed it and took things into her own hands and removed the bully from the circle and walked her over to the mother and told this woman that her child was a bully and she needed to do something about it.  Needless to say, this parent was not happy and left the school a couple of weeks later.

Over the years Jessica would complain that kids were bullying her and I believe she did get teased.   I think there were those insensitive kids who did not have empathy or tolerance for differences.  But what I have also learned about Jessica is that she didn’t understand sarcasm and had trouble with abstract thinking. So sometimes, what Jessica perceived as bullying, may have also been innocent playfulness that most kids can engage in and joke right along.  But because Jessica did not have the skills to engage in this way and reciprocate in jest, it would be one sided and feel like the kids were being mean.  This is not to minimize in any way that Jessy was teased and did experience mean kids…because she did.  I just also want to highlight that our kids on the spectrum do often lack those necessary social skills that allow kids to banter, joke, and enjoy sarcasm that is not malicious, as a way to connect with one another.

Jessica also had difficulty differentiating between a friend and an acquaintance.  In Jessica’s mind, everyone who was kind to her was her friend.  We had many talks during Junior High and High School because she would want to have someone she had just met, come to our house for a sleep over.  At the same time, she did have a few relationships that were truly friendships.  I can think of two in particular during high school.  One was a girl who was a year younger than Jessy and they had great fun together, played in the band together and had sleepovers at each other’s house and the other was a boy who was smitten with her.  He was the new kid at school and they shared a class together.  Jessica being my sweet, kind Jessica, introduced herself and befriended him so he would feel welcome at his new school.  This was probably the most successful peer relationship time for her.  She had two friends, they hung out at school together and they went to each other’s house.  And one of the very best things ever….she had her first date and went to her Homecoming dance!  OMG!  We were so excited!  Dress shopping, shoe shopping, mani/pedi, we did it all!  His mom brought him over to pick her up we took pictures and then they were off!  About an later, I got a call that they were ready to be picked up.  When I got there, they were happy as could be, but it was too crowded and too loud so they decided they wanted to come home and watch movies.  It was a great experience.