In honor of National Siblings Day and Autism Awareness month, it seems only fitting that I honor Jessica’s brother today. I think as parents with special needs children our attention and time is often monopolized by all of the needs, behaviors, worry, school issues, appointments, etc. that siblings in the family are easily overlooked. This picture came up on FB this week and it prompted a desire to honor not just my son, but all of these siblings.
Joshua is 3 1/2 years younger than Jessica. A story I often tell is of a conversation I had with him when he was just four years old. He and his sister usually played quite well together at this stage, the gap in development was not pronounced enough to notice and there were no school issues, as Jessy was just in first grade. The two were playing and then had a little age appropriate argument over toys. I was outside half listening to the back and forth of it all. Suddenly Joshua comes running out of the house in tears, frustrated and at the same time sounding so grown up (at 4). He questioned me in his frustration, angry with me as if I had slighted him, “Why was Jessy born first? I should be the oldest!”. My response was remarkably calm and brief. I simply told him “I did not choose who was born first. God chose this.”. End of discussion. Tears stopped and he got off my lap and moved on. In hindsight, knowing what I know now…Joshua had recognized the differences between he and his sister before anyone else. Though Jessica is chronologically older, Josh posseses many more first born traits and Jessica has more second child traits. Ironically, I wrote my Thesis on Birth order and Sibling Rivalry!
Through the years, Josh was witness to meltdowns, being the constant subject of Jessica’s focus of injustice ( which she perceived at her dad’s home because dad and Josh liked a lot of the same things and Jessica did not), confusion when Jessica would talk about things that often seemed off topic, perseveration of TV shows that were focussed on much younger audiences and not understanding why he had outgrown this and Jessy had not. The scariest thing that ever happened with Jessica (events that led to a psychiatric hospitalization), Joshua was present for until my now husband came and whisked him away so I could deal with the situation and no have to worry about him. How scary and confusing this was for him…and yet, while I was aware and compassionately informed him of what was happening the next day, my attention and focus had to be on Jessica because she needed me more.
When Joshua was at an age to look back and discuss the differences and complain about my parenting mistakes (wink), I learned that his perception was that Jessica “never got in trouble” and he “always got in trouble”. This was the moment I realized or was reminded of the fact that he experienced all of his sister but from a much different place than I did as her mother.
When he was younger he would complain about her and argue with her and express his frustration often. No matter how many times I tried to explain and encourage him to have compassion and understanding for his sister, he struggled with this. He was an athlete and social and was always busy with friends (things Jessica did not have). He had chores and expectations and house rules just as Jessica did. He had childhood experiences that were imortant for him to have, vacations, camping, baseball games, birthday parties, bike rides with friends and calling for a ride because he had a flat tire….he had a pretty good childhood in spite of his parents divorcing and his sister having her struggles. He did get in trouble…but not a lot and not for anything bigger or different than any other kid got in trouble for…age appropriate talking back, not brushing his teeth, not doing his homework or having poor grades. Jessica got in trouble too, but how it was approached was different because they were different kids. Kids should get in trouble. Kids should get lost and figure out how to get back. Kids should get away with things (or think they have gotten away with things..wink). This builds resiliency, character, responsibility, conscience, respect for others and the law.
Today, as a 21 year-old man, Joshua will tell you that he has learned compassion and patience from his sister. He is an amazing, kind, responsible, helpful, respectful, intelligent adult who is actively persuing his passion for a career as a public servant, because he wants to help people. I could not be more proud of this young man and I often remind him that he is the “best brother ever”! I am so very very proud of the man he has become and excited to watch him create his path in the world. I appreciate how he is always willing to help out with giving his sister a ride when I can’t and encouraging Jessica when he sees her in the gym working out, palyfully bantering with her via text messages and staying connected as adult siblings.
I can always look back and say I wish I had done this or that differently, I wish I had noticed how much impact Jessica was having on him when he was younger, maybe it would have changed my approach to things. But the reality is (and this is true for all of us parenting special needs children), I did the best I could in each moment, learning as I go, dealing with each issue, crisis, event that was above and beyond an average child experience while creating the most normalcy as possible for both of my children. And in spite of my flaws, mistakes and exhaustion, I have two amazing young adults who see the good in each other and have fun with each other. It warms my heart every day.
I love you with all of my heart, Best Boy in the Whole World!
Being Jessica's Mom: Growing up on the Autistic Spectrum 