Jessica lived at home for her first year of college, took the bus everyday and ended the year with a 3.2 GPA! Her therapist at the time had made a referral for supportive employment and she was starting that program with small part time jobs which included a job coach. Her temporary part time jobs that she was placed in for job skills practice went really well and she really enjoyed it. But when the program progressed to interviewing in the competitive job market, anxiety increased and we had a complete melt down/panic attack in which she became very irritable, refusing to leave the house and then curling up in fetal position just crying and not talking to anyone, including her vocational support person who came to the house. I remember being so grateful that someone else had been able to witness this, because it validated that this was not defiance, but a true mental health issue. Her anxiety had never presented in this way before. This program was not working for her. The vocational program she was involved in, while they were an agency that specialized with mental health and adults, they did not understand the developmentally disabled population. So we took a break and focussed on college.
In the summer of 2013 I was getting remarried and moving in with my new husband. After consulting with her therapist at that time, we all agreed that Jessica was capable of all of the basic skills any 19 year old had and she would be able to live independently (but of course with help from me and my husband as much as needed). The timing was good in that I was moving out of my condo into my new husband’s home with my son, so it was a great way to find a little place for Jessy and transition her at the same time. School was out for the summer, which meant we did not have to contend with school stress. I found her this little studio attached to a bigger house with college students (we live in a college town). It was safe, just a couple of miles from me and it was not much bigger than the bedroom she had at the condo with a little kitchen and bathroom…it was manageable for her being newly independent. I remember I did not give her much conversation about it and definitely not a choice as to if she wanted to move out or not. If given the choice, she probably would never choose to move out. She likes having others do things for her. This was not an option and therefore she was nudged out of the nest with the most love and support possible. I took her to view the studio and she liked it…but I don’t think she expected I would apply and get it so quickly. Some of you may think this was mean, or I was pushing her too soon (and believe me, I have thought all of those things), but as you will read in a later post, if I had not done this, Jessica would probably not be as independent as she is today. We have had talks about this time of transition and Jessica was angry at me for a while, but in her words, “Now I like being on my own”. Sometimes we have to take that leap as parents and push a little harder than you think you should, because that is how our kids grow. If we don’t have expectations and push when we know they are capable, they will choose to stay little and cared for and dependent. That is not the goal of parenting.
Being Jessica's Mom: Growing up on the Autistic Spectrum 