Hmmm, this is such a personal and valid word for me right now. I think each decade of age comes with a life altering task, movement through maturity, lessons and experiences. It is true we all mature at different rates, have similar life experiences at different times, but in general, we all pass through these decades within range of each other.
Our 20’s are about college, figuring out for ourselves all of the things our parents have always known, learning self-confidence, self-reliance, independence and moving towards that goal of whatever we choose to be when we grow up. It is moving out on our own, figuring out we get to make our own choices about our own lives and to the same degree experience grown up consequences of those choices. Learning our limits, having loads of fun with our friends on a completely new level! Perhaps we have met our true love, started our first “real” career job and starting a family maybe on that horizon or already in the works.
30 is the decade in which we now have to define ourselves as actual adults in the world. Our careers have started, we may have families or decided we are not going to have kids. If we have young children, we are working the balancing act between work, school involvement, soccer Saturdays, gymnastics or other extracurricular activities we have diligently and responsibly exposed our children to…oh yeah and don’t forget there is that relationship we are in and friends we want to keep. This is a hard and fast decade! Cars, kids, houses, jobs, marriage, divorce where does the time go? Where do we as individuals go? Those of us with kids, tend to come back around to that original family system with new appreciation for our parents and all of the hard work they put in. And as much as we tell ourselves I will never tell my kids this or that, there is a realization that our parents said or did things for good reason! As women, I think we are definitely much more comfortable in our bodies and are able to let go a lot of those insecurities. Our self-confidence is high, we have survived some hard life experiences and came through in one piece. I remember when I was in my mid 20’s in graduate school, one of my professors told me that I didn’t have enough life experience to be a therapist. I was so offended by that at the time. At 33 when I had had my second child, lost my mother-in-law and brother-in-law and was looking at divorce…I got it. When I had to face the dating world as a single parent, and then problem solve blending a family…I got it. There is a lot of growing up that happens in your 30’s.
In our 40’s we are slowing down the parent train, the kids are more independent, driving, differentiating from that tight family system, as they should. Careers are well established or we are seeking a second career because the first one just wasn’t what we thought it was going to be. We are seeking to reestablish ourselves as individual human beings, reconnecting with things that once made us happy, brought us joy or peace. We have a bit more time, or at least we are better at time management. For many of us, our parents are hitting retirement and off doing things they had been planning for years and we suddenly realize we had better start our own planning! Being 40 something is a time for self reflection and once again reinventing ourselves. For me it was also a time for facing my biggest fears and learning to let go. When I was in my late 40’s my youngest graduated from high school. I spent his whole senior year practicing and reminding myself to “let go”. This stage was one of grief, letting go of the parent I had been for the past 18 years and welcoming the parent I needed to be to this young man who was so capable and smart. It was time to trust that I had done a great job planting the seeds and now I needed to let go so he could grow. This is so much easier said than done! Oh the heartache, the sadness, the self-doubt, the worry! But oh the joy, the freeing joy, the shift in responsibility and the free time to give to myself! This free time was fleeting, as I am the sandwich generation and just as one was leaving the nest, my parents had hit their wall in life and I turned around from the responsibility of raising children only to find myself in the throws of caring for my parents. The biggest lesson I learned during this phase was that I will never put my kids through what I went through with my parents as they needed more care and became ill. This decade is all about planning for the next phase of life.
So here I am now, at 51. So far, I have learned that having an empty nest is fun! I am much more appreciative and protective of my personal time, seeking to bring more creativity and calm into my world. I have more patience and grace than I did when I was a single mom trying to do it all. I continue to work on that letting go lesson, but I am getting better. I have learned that grief sucks and sadness is a long road with ups and downs. We all need a therapist or best friend to share our deepest thoughts, feelings and fears with. If not, we will surely implode. There is a light at the end of the work tunnel and somewhere in your 50’s it starts to get brighter. At the same time, 50 is when we start really questioning, planning and fearing our mortality. It is a desperate need to have things in order, because I have a new understanding that we could be gone tomorrow.
I can’t tell you for sure what the next decade holds, because I am not there yet, but I can imagine what I want it to look like. Age is wisdom. Age is love at every level. Age is more than a number.
Being Jessica's Mom: Growing up on the Autistic Spectrum 